


The Great Thing Everyone Thought, That Never, But Just Maybe, Was

by Azilver



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Don't Ask Don't Tell, Everyone Thinks They're Together, Humor, Implied Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:04:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3247310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azilver/pseuds/Azilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s all in everyone else's heads. Maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Thing Everyone Thought, That Never, But Just Maybe, Was

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, wrote this some time ago for Rasah. It is meant to be humour and crackish.  
> Still adore this ship though :D

 

 

It was just a closet.

A closet in an Ancient City a few millennia old that was periodically attacked by uber space vampires and agro mormon-nazi’s. Sergeant Miller, AKA Willard, eyed the closet door speculatively. He’d just been on his normal rounds when he’d come across a disturbed looking Dr Ensley who had been staring at said closet.

Why were they now eyeing it? Because it was making strange noises or rather whatever was inside was making strange noises. Grunts and gasps and other, slightly pornish, noises.

The thing was that it was a pretty isolated area in the city and you never knew what could be inside. Miller and Ensley had been unable to raise either the Colonel or McKay on the radios yet. According to Zelenka, the other physicist had commandeered the airman “to play his on/off switch”.

Warily, Miller reached out and flung open the door.

 

*****

 

“And you closed the door why?”

If there had been a light Rodney knew Sheppard would have been staring at the floor like a little boy. “I didn’t know it only opened from the outside, okay? Besides, you’re the one who made me come into the closet with you.”

Oh the irony.

Yes, Rodney had made the other man come with him, into the evil closet of no exit, but he’d needed some big, strong military type help taking the two huge boxes to the labs. Sheppard was the closest match that he could find on short notice. The biologists had stolen all the trolleys and his back wasn’t up to carrying both of the large, heavy boxes. Then, of course, the door had closed and locked. Despite Sheppard’s best attempts to make the door open, it was useless.

Then, of course, the man had tripped over something and slammed into the astrophysicist. They’d collided with some shelves and spilled a jar of something white and sticky on their uniforms. Right then, his pants and t-shirt were tacky and uncomfortable. Not to mention that he just knew his hair was mussed and he was sure Sheppard was no better.

“Wait.” Sheppard probably held up a hand. Rodney snorted, as if he was able to see it. But he could actually hear something. Outside.

Stumbling over whatever littered the floor in an effort to turn to the door they collided again, letting loose sharp intakes of breath and moans of pain as body parts connected not too gently. Then the door gave way and they tumbled out onto the passage floor.

Muttering to himself about closets, Rodney shifted under Sheppard and managed to turn himself around under the man. Looking up he met the disturbed faces of Miller and Ensley.

“One word and you will forget what a hot shower is.”

 

*****

 

 

Czech muttering preceded Radek as he stalked into the lab he tended to share with his CO. He headed straight for a desk piled with notes and printouts and started searching through them.

“Oh My God. Yes, Sheppard!”

Startled, a pile of papers slid to the floor. He’d recognise the Canadian’s voice anywhere, even moaned like  _that_.

“God, told you so.”

And Sheppard’s.

“Just shut up and do it already.”

McKay’s gasp was loud and clear and there was the file.

“Pushy barstad. You’re just so fucking tight.”

Grumbling to himself, Radek promised to tease the crap out of Rodney tomorrow, at a more decent hour of  _day_. Right now, he was going to get some well deserved sleep. And maybe pie.

*****

 

Rodney’s guttural moan was one of pure relief, if not vaguely porn star-ish. “Oh My God. Yes, Sheppard!”

“God, told you so.” John smirked in reply, taking a deep breath and groaning as he worked the muscles at the base of the scientist’s neck firmly. It was like moulding granite the guy was so tense.

“Just shut up and do it already.” Fine. A quick shove and McKay’s short gasp echoed through his office as something clicked back into place.

“Pushy barstad. You’re just so fucking tight.”

*****

 

 

Lorne grinned at Parrish, the botanist was hysterical sometimes. Good hysterical. Not the other one. Like when some strange alien race decided that he’d look good slathered in herbs and spices on top of a nice fire. Or, on one memorable occasion, in tights.

“Fuck!”

Wait a minute. That sounded like Sheppard.

“Damn, I’m good.”

And that sounded like McKay. Evan and David shared a look.

“I’m not gonna be able to move for a week.”

“Please. After what you did to me last night you do not get to complain.”

David blinked, rapidly, and the major sighed to himself. He liked Sheppard but sometimes he couldn’t help but feel just a little jealous. He wasn’t stupid. McKay was some catch. Not Evan’s type really, but still attractive and smart and funny. The most important things.

“Screw you.”

“Not yet.”

“Oh my god!”

Wincing, Evan tucked his hands into his pockets and headed back up the hallway. Lucky bastard. “I didn’t hear anything.”

David snickered quietly, keeping up with his teammate. “Right?” He arched an eyebrow in the botanists direction. All he got was an innocent smile. “Sure thing, major. Hey, wanna grab dinner and head to my place? I got a bottle of the good stuff in the last Daedalus run.”

“Cool.” Okay, so maybe the Colonel wouldn’t be the only lucky one if he played his cards right. Like he said, David was funny.

 

*****

 

 

“Fuck!” John swore at the screen as Rodney’s latest move cut him off from his supply of tala root. Bastard.

Said bastard who was grinning smugly at him and chuckling breathlessly to himself. “Damn, I’m good.”

“I’m not gonna be able to move for a week.” The Colonel whined. Damnit, but his last endeavor into Rodney’s land should have left the man without the excess to trip him up so hard.

“Please. After what you did to me last night you do not get to complain.” Huh! All he’d managed last night was to secure a quarter of the mevin field stock on their shared border. Now John was going to have to do something serious or his southern campaign was doomed.

“Screw you.”

McKay just grinned at him. Oh crap. “Not yet.” And pushed a button.

“Oh my god!”

*****

 

Elizabeth sighed heavily to herself. Really, they were grown men she shouldn’t have to explain this type of thing to them. They’d been doing it long enough. She tapped her radio on. “Radek?”

“Yes, Elizabeth?” Such a nice man, really. And a saint if the way he handled Rodney and his staff was any indication. The Canadian genius was always doing something, such as now. “Radek have you seen Rodney anywhere?”

“No I have not. He has not been in this morning, I can’t remember seeing him at breakfast as well.” Elizabeth’s eyebrows shot up at that and she eyed her watch. It was two hours since breakfast and Rodney wasn’t in his lab? Something was off. “Thank you Radek.” She signed off.

She needed to get a hold of John. “Weir to Sheppard.”

“Sheppard here.” The Colonels voice held just a hint of a yawn.

“John, I haven’t been able to contact Rodney, Radek says he hasn’t been in the labs-“

John chuckled into the radio. “He’s here, Elizabeth. Relax.”

“Radek says he hasn’t been in all morning.”

“Yeah. Like I said, he’s been here.”

She sighed to herself. Did those two even know about being discrete? Most of the expedition was either jealous or plotting to get one or both of them. “Alright. Just tell him that I need to see you both about the negotiations Fredericks’s team managed. Weir out.”

 

 

*****

 

“What did she want?” Rodney wasn’t really curious but he supposed he should ask. Yawning, he scrubbed a palm over his face. Ack. He needed to brush his teeth.

“Needs to talk to us about some negotiations, I think.” John made that squinchy-face he did when he was confused. Or some alien bimbo had tried to proposition him. Go figure. “Next time we plan an all-nighter you should get Radek to cover for you. I really didn’t need a meeting after all his shine last night.”

The airman groaned and rubbed at his forehead. Rodney felt a sympathetic staccato rhythm beat in his own head.

The anniversary of the Genii invasion had felt like the perfect opportunity to lock themselves in the last place anyone would think to look for them (Sheppard’s quarters) and drink themselves into oblivion with their cumulative collection of Radek’s best. They’d woken up half on the bed, Sheppard drooling on his stomach and Rodney’s arm wrapped around one of his knees. Not forgetting pounding headaches. “Oh, shut up. You were the one who insisted that we do it straight away.”

John smiled at him, despite the ache he could see in the other man’s eyes. “But it was a good night.”

Rodney smiled back. “Yeah.”

 

*****

 

Deveroux, Miller, Simpson and Lee were on there way to the Atlantis Girls Poker Night. They’d been waiting all week for this. A night when military and civilians put down guns and test tubes and took up cards and bets. Red wine flowed and chocolate was consumed. The perfect night out on Atlantis.

“I hope Sally got in that order of Raphael.”

“Mm, that would be great. I heard Candice and Danika bought a few party packs of m&m’s when they went to visit their families. I miss good chocolate.” Miller sighed wistfully, ignoring Deveroux’s scornful look. “Like Hershey’s is good chocolate? Kel, give me Cadbury or Lindor any day.”

There was more friendly bickering about chocolate when one of the residential quarters slid open. Out stepped a laughing Colonel Sheppard and smirking Dr McKay. Freshly showered and in fresh clothes. “Uh, sir?” Deveroux and Miller stood to attention.

The two men’s grins faltered only slightly. “At ease sergeants. I’m off duty and so are you.”

“Aren’t you all supposed to be off to your alcohol and chocolate fest right now?” McKay asked pointedly.

“Yes.” Lee answered quickly knowing that they better hustle or get kicked back to the labs. Grabbing Miller and seeing Simpson do the same to Deveroux, she made her way down the hall.

Once safely at the ‘secret’ location the group broke down in laughter. “The hell?” one of the marines asked approaching the group warily. “Sheppard… McKay… oh god!” Lee couldn’t stop laughing.

Miller managed to sober up some. “We were on our way and ran into them coming out of the Colonels quarters.”

“So?”

“Freshly showered and in new clothes?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

There was a beat and then all hell broke loose as they all collapsed into laughter and wolf whistles.

It was Laura Cadman who spoke up first. “I can’t really blame Sheppard.”

“Yeah, gotta love a man with an ass like McKay’s.” Claire licked her lips, the Brit clearly seeing said ass in her imagination. A round of agreeing murmurs passed through the group.

“That’s not all he’s got.” The marine grinned at the other women.

“Oh?”

“Let’s just say he has every reason to be so smug. Trust me, I was all alone in his body after he fell asleep” More tittering laughter before a smirking Katie piped up. “Trust me, a night with Rodney makes it _all_  better.” There were some envious looks directed at the usually quiet botanist.

It was no secret among the women (and some of the men) on Atlantis that more than a few would have happily bedded the snippy scientist given half a chance. He may have been rude and cutting but if you were a longtime resident of the city you learned to see his softer side. The side that was terrified but didn’t back down, that always ordered extra coffee for the late night shifts in the labs, left an anonymous chocolate bar on Kent’s desk when she broke her arm, worried about his sister and secretly set up a trust fund for his niece.

Of course, no one made a move. They’d seen or heard of Sheppard’s jealous streak and knew he was a force to fear when the scientist was concerned. Whenever some alien person had shown any interest in the Canadian the other man had practically glued himself to the man, scowling behind his back at whoever the interloper was.

“Not that Sheppard isn’t a fine example of man himself!” Emma smirked as she started uncorking the merlot.

“God! Sheppard and McKay.”

“That’s so hot!”

 

*****

 

John grinned, chuckling at Rodney. “Ha Ha, Colonel grabby-hands. This is so all your fault.” The scientist growled, toweling his hair in an attempt to dry it. Still grinning, he ran a hand through his own soaked hair, knowing that when it dried he’d have an amazing case of bed-head.

It had been an accident, really. Rodney had wanted to demonstrate some new Ancient glue he’d discovered in one of the recently uncovered storage closets in one of the labs. John had wanted to try it on the soles of an old, but oh so very comfy, pair of sneakers he had lying around. Rodney had protested the ‘waste’ and John had made a grab for the lidless jar. Then a glob had spilled and instantly dried. Instantly gluing their hands and shirts together.

There’d been an awkward moment when they hadn’t been able to separate but then Rodney, genius that he was, had started pulling them in the direction of the shower, babbling about water and resolubility. It was only after he’d been drenched in luke warm water that he’d realized what was going on. The glue dried on contact with an untreated surface but was resoluble in water.

A few minutes later they were soaked but free.

Rolling his eyes but still fighting his laughter, John threw his own towel at Rodney. The scientist shot him a dirty look before, rather purposefully, dropping both wet towels on John’s nice clean floor.

John glared back.

Rodney stuck out his tongue.

“Mature, McKay.” They glared at each other for a minute before John’s lips twitched into a grin again. “You owe me for the sneakers.”

“Oh yeah, right.” Rodney rolled his eyes at his friend. “Maybe you’d be able to keep a pair for a few months if you gave up that disgustingly healthy running every day.”

“Nah. Maybe you should give it a try?” Not that he’d ever want the scientist to do so. He liked the guy just as he was. Even the slight belly, it was sort of cute. “Exercise is great for your endurance.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the spluttering that elicited.

“Oh shut up.” Rodney glared at him and threw a pillow at his head. Catching it, John collapsed onto the bed laughing harder. Rodney joined him a moment later. “We need lunch.”

Life was good as far as John Sheppard was concerned.

 

*****

 

“WHAT?” Rodney all but shrieked. “Oh My God! You’ve all gone insane!”

“Dr McKay, I can underst-“ Woolsey obviously had little experience at ‘placate the scientist before he remembers he can blow us up in five seconds’.

“Oh hush.” The scientist waved a hand at him. “What I want to know is why you think I am the one to do this? Not that I have anything against homosexuals and, seriously, only you Americans could have such antiquated ideas about sexuality what with your mucho posturing as it is and ‘tradition’ of big burly men with guns.”

It was O’Neil who rolled his eyes at him. The others were pretty much on track with things. Only Sheppard and McKay were still confused and, if they were honest, pretty disturbed.

“Look, McKay, we know about you and the Colonel here,” He indicated the very confused looking man on the physicist’s right. “and I’m not about to report you or anything. Besides, I read your super secret personnel file. How many  _people_  did you sleep with in college? Area 51? Russia?”

Momentarily distracted, Sheppard shot the stuttering scientist a leer, waggled his eyebrows, then, brain catching up on the ‘people’ comment, stopped and stared at him in shock. Rodney’s face took on a rosy pique despite the fact that it drained of blood at the same time as he glared at both airmen. “You… that’s a… what…you….”

“Relax. You’re starting to look like Danny when I ask him to go fishing with me. Just pointing out that I know you’re not exactly discriminating about who’s bed you get into.”

All he got were blank looks in return. Jack sighed. “All we’re trying to do is get rid of that stupid ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ nonsense. We think that if we used you two as an example, the president and all his cronies would finally do something.”

“Yes, like get the Colonel here dishonourably discharged and, if we’re lucky, I won’t be kicked off the program.” McKay rolled his eyes at the general. “Anyway, why don’t you and Daniel just do it? If Sheppard and I are so “obvious”, you and Jackson would make them all weak at the knees with your super-secret, pining-behind-closed-doors man-love.”

“What?” Now it was Jacks turn to look shocked and vaguely nervous. “Hello? Was married here and so was Danny, remember?” Sheppard waved a hand as if Jack was taking attendance.

Another dismissing hand wave from McKay. “Like that means anything. Besides, there were rumors about you two in area 51!” He shot Jack a pointed look. “Rumors don’t make it true.”

Elizabeth decided it was time to step in and mediate the situation before Rodney decided that he was bored now and sicced Ronon on Woolsey or something. God knew how he’d make the general suffer. “Rodney, John, we’re not asking you to do anything like get married or anything, we understand that maybe you haven’t reached that stage in your relationship yet. We simply want you to be more open with yourselves, be less, well, discrete.” Radek snorted and Lorne rolled his eyes. It probably wasn’t the best description given how ‘discrete’ the two were when the whole of the damn city knew but…. “We think that, maybe, if you moved in together, you’d demonstrate that, even in a relationship, your work doesn’t suffer.”

Now it was John who stuttered as Rodney shot promising glares at everyone. “Eliza… married? What… but we… you’re all insane!”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Rodney agreed with him as they crossed their arms across their chests, unaware of their coordinated body movements.

“Wait,” John held up a hand to forestall any further discussion. “let me get this straight.” Ironic snorts echoed through the room and he cast sour looks at them all. “According to you all, Rodney and I are in some sort of ansty-pining-love-fest. Now, all of you have decided that you want to get rid of DADT and that the two of us are going to be your poster-children for ‘alternative lifestyles’.” He made airquotes in the air and shared a look with Rodney. “That about right?”

“You missed the part where the general here decided to make my sex life public knowledge and Elizabeth thinks we’re so emotionally retarded that, given their little speel, we’re unable to commit despite our longtime affair of a couple of years.”

John nodded and looked across the table at them. “That about sum things up?”

“John, please-“ Elizabeth tried to be placating but they were having none of it.

“You are all insane.”

“Now listen here-“ Woolsey started. They just rolled their eyes. “How about no?”

“Look,” Rodney held up a hand and began ticking points off. “while I’m totally for removing that stupid rule we are  _not_  together. That is a really, really stupid idea because they’ll just drop the Colonel and then I’d,  _out of friendship_ , have to make everyone’s lives miserable until they sent him back. Three, we’re in another galaxy. Use O’Neil and Daniel, trust me, their love is ‘epic’. And they’re closer to the source of all ills in my life right now.” The last was muttered with a sour look at them. “And did I mention, we are not in a relationship. We are not hopelessly in love and running around terrified that someone will find out. I dated Katie, Sheppard is Kirk.”

“You mean you wouldn’t date me?” John pouted at him.

“What are you on about now?”

“I’m just saying, if they think we are, would you?” At Rodney’s confused look he shrugged. “I’m just asking, you know, ‘cause you do… uh, guys that is.”

“No. that’s just stupid. Please, that’s like me saying that you have done all my theoretical mathematics just because you are good at math. And if you can’t say it you can’t do it. Besides, you’re not even my type. Ok, you’ve got that hair but I really don’t know if it is actually a plus when you look like you’re wearing an electrocuted muppet on your head. Then there’s the suicidal sacrificing complex which is a turn-off in anyone. And you’re smart, good at math and the like, just, well, you don’t let everyone know and that just means you’re ashamed of it. I won’t date someone who’s ashamed of being clever, you may as well be ashamed of me because, hello, certified genius. And you never listen, even when it could save your life or mine! Oh! Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know you look perfectly fine and can have any woman you want. It’s ridiculous.”

“Gosh, McKay, you must really dislike me.” John sat back in his chair, folded his arms and actually had the temerity to glare at him!

“Oh for! Fine, you’re so fucking hot I want to jump you right here, right now.” Sarcasm dripped from each word and John would have heard it through the ‘gate. “Hey!”

“There is no pleasing you, you know that?” Rodney threw up his hands. “I know you’re straight. Since I don’t like getting my skull beaten in, I don’t proposition straight people, especially military. You tend to be a bit sensitive about sex, you lot. However, I do have self-control. I am able to look and not touch but I usually just nip anything in the bud.”

“So, what you’re saying is that I’m good enough for eyecandy but not date material?”

“What? That’s not what I said.”

“Well, excuse me but that’s exactly what it sounded like!”

“Oh, what are you on about? What do you care that I’m not drooling over you? Seriously-“

“Well, maybe I want to know why everyone seems to think we’re in love. They all think there’s something between us and I want to know why.”

“Maybe because they’re all  _insane_?”

“So now you’d have to be insane to be interested in me? Real nice, McKay.”

“Then what do you want me to do, huh?”

“Maybe show me what they’re seeing!” John growled. “And not act like a jerk. Personally, I want to help end this, what even you agreed was, stupidity. ‘Cause obviously there’s something between us that everyone’s caught onto and maybe we can use it.”

“Fine!” Rodney growled back. “You want me to do something? Fine.”

Then Rodney grabbed his uniform lapels, yanked him forward and kissed him. Hard and dirty and wet and OH GOD! John scrambled to clutch at the other man’s shoulders.

“Uh….” Jack fidgeted in his chair. Elizabeth squirmed in hers. And the longer the kiss went on the redder Woolsey got. Zelenka and Lorne just applauded. “Colonel? Doctor?... Guys?”

Eventually, they pulled apart, flushed and breathing heavily.

“Fine, we’ll play the happy couple, move in together, but I want bigger quarters. I believe there’s a nice big apartment in section three.” Getting up from his chair, Rodney snapped his fingers at a rather dazed looking and grinning stupidly Sheppard.“Come along, Colonel. We have moving to do.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from Stargate: SG1 or Stargate: Atlantis. I do not claim any ownership of the characters or world, I am just borrowing them and this story is for entertainment only and is not part of the official story line.


End file.
